


The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage

by feverbeats



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-10 01:19:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverbeats/pseuds/feverbeats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The stupid thing about dying a hero," he tells Kreacher, "is that you're still dead at the end of it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage

  
**Day One**  
Regulus paces his room for the fiftieth time. Kreacher watches him with wide eyes. Master Regulus is changing. Kreacher has been doing his best to pretend everything is normal, but it isn't. He worries, but he knows that telling Regulus that won't stop him.

"Kreacher," Regulus says despairingly, "You're the only one who understands me."

"Kreacher tries," says Kreacher, making his eyes bulge until they're almost as large as Regulus'.

Regulus sighs. "I just can't _find_ anything. And mum's sick. And Sirius hates me. And Severus is _evil_."

Kreacher nods, agreeing wholeheartedly with the last bit. He's been forbidden from calling Severus a "filthy half-blood," but the sentiment is still alive and well.

Regulus charms the banners on the wall in and out of Slytherin and Gryffindor colors, into Ravenclaw colors, into deep blues and greens, into pure gold. "Nothing feels right," he says, cocking his head to the side.

Kreacher frowns. Regulus is _thinking_. This isn't right or normal. It must be because Mistress is in such poor health.

Regulus scoops Kreacher up and hugs him. "My only friend," he says sadly.

"Master exaggerates," Kreacher mutters, but he hugs Regulus back.

**Day Two**  
Back and forth, back and forth. He paces. He puts on one of Sirius' old rock albums. He leans his head on the wall and sighs. Clearly, he's trying to work something out, and if he'd just _tell_ Kreacher, maybe Kreacher could help. But it would seem that Master Regulus does not want help.

"I've been thinking about tossing the newspapers out," he says. "Then again, there might be a clue there. There've got to be clues, after all. Even Voldemort's not that careful."

**Day Three**  
"The Dark Lord wants _you_," Regulus says. He's grinning brightly and pointing a finger at Kreacher.

"Master?" Kreacher asks.

Regulus is practically bouncing on his toes. "He needs a House Elf, and I said you'd do it. You will, won't you?"

"Kreacher will do whatever master wishes," Kreacher says, feeling apprehensive.

Regulus frowns, as he always does when Kreacher says something like that. "That's not what I'm asking. That's _never_ what I'm asking, all right?"

"Yes," Kreacher says, nodding. Regulus is an oddity. He should know how House Elves work by now.

Regulus sighs and starts to fiddle with his ponytail. "All right. Ok. Fine."

**Day Four**  
Kreacher almost dies. He almost drowns in a lake full of Inferi. But, as always, he comes back. He comes back because Regulus told him to.

When he tells Regulus what happened, Regulus laughs. Even his laugh is changing, these days.

"I can do that," Regulus says, still smiling. "But there's no one to tell me to come back."

**Day Five**

Regulus comes to rest on the edge of the bed. "Horcrux," he says.

Kreacher waits.

"Horcrux. I know what it means, now. But it can't–I can't do it. It's too hard."

Kreacher knows that master has always been willing to give up on something because it's too hard. Maybe he'll let this go.

Regulus shakes his head hard. "But I _have_ to." He's pale, no longer laughing. "So," he says, "I have to figure out how to say goodbye to Severus."

"The Half-Blood still serves the Dark Lord," Kreacher ventures.

"That's funny," Regulus says, "because I don't think he still does."

**Day Six**  
Severus grips Regulus by the shoulders, and Kreacher gets ready to spring into action. The Half-Blood has been unbalanced before, but now there's something different in his eyes.

"Is it because of _her_?" Regulus is asking, over and over again.

"No," Severus says. "_Fuck_. This is hard enough. So hard. Don't make it worse."

"Why the _fuck_ would I want to make it worse?" Regulus demands. He's shaking. Kreacher wishes he could fix it.

Severus shakes his head. "I know your mother is loyal to the Dark Lord. And you are, as always, loyal to your mother."

"Sometime I wonder if you know me at all," Regulus shouts. "And I thought I knew you. But then you changed. And now I think you might be changing back to the way you were before."

Severus smirks unpleasantly. "All right. It's true. I changed sides months ago. I just didn't dare tell you."

Regulus tenses. "Don't even _pretend_ you think it's funny, or ok, or anything. It's got to have been killing you that you couldn't tell me. So why are you letting me know now? Just because I figured it out?"

Severus nods sharply.

"You want to trust me," Regulus say almost teasingly.

Severus curses again. "All right. Maybe. Maybe I _care_ about you. Did you ever consider that? But I had to be careful, I can't take any risks."

Kreacher has never seen Regulus this serious before. "Master . . ." he whispers.

Regulus ignores him. "You changed sides for _her_."

"I _didn't_," Severus says. "I _swear_. What do you want from me? I'll never be a good person, Regulus. I didn't think you were, either."

Regulus laughs his new laugh. "Oh, you _liar_. If you didn't do it for her, you did it because it was right."

Severus is silent for a moment. "If _you're_ actually thinking of going against the Dark Lord, too . . ."

"Suppose," Regulus says angrily, "that I _was_ going to go against the Dark Lord. Suppose I was going to die. Suppose I was never going to see you again. Is this how you'd say goodbye?"

Severus stops. "What?"

"I love you," Regulus says.

Severus' arms are around Regulus before Kreacher can blink, and he says Regulus' name over and over. Finally, he says, "If you die . . ." The end of the sentence hangs like a slowly rotating wand.

"If I die, no one will know," Regulus whispers.

Kreacher is terrified. No, Master Regulus can't _really_ be planning to die. It seems as though the Half-Blood agrees.

"Fuck you," Severus says. "You can't risk that. You can't do that to me. You can't do that to your _bastard_ of a brother."

"I love you," Regulus says again.

Severus turns away. "Please," he says.

"All right, then," Regulus says. "I promise."

Relief floods Severus' face, and Kreacher's stomach flips. No. Master is lying, Kreacher can see it in every line of his body. He can't stop Master, but Severus can. But no, Severus is wrapping his arms around Regulus and swearing at him and kissing him, and Regulus is going to die.

**Day Seven**  
The next day, Regulus is moody again. "The stupid thing about dying a hero," he tells Kreacher, "is that you're still _dead_ at the end of it."

Outside, a storm is coming. Kreacher has always suspected that the weather has everything to do with Regulus' moods. "Kreacher is worried about Master Regulus," he says, laying his long-eared head on the bed where Regulus is perched.

Regulus pauses. "You shouldn't be. Not really. I guess." He pauses. "I think Severus is going to be ok now."

Kreacher wrinkles his nose. He still doesn't think much of that. Purebloods aren't supposed to carry on with Half-Bloods, and his dear master does not have the best judgement.  
And suddenly Regulus is laughing, for the first time since his conversation with Severus. "You look _stupid_. Be happy for me."

"Kreacher tries."

Regulus frowns. "Hey, Kreacher . . . Look, how do _you_ feel about the Dark Lord?"  
"Mistress supports him."

Regulus flops back on the bad, the picture of despair. "Oh, Merlin, I know _that_. I'm asking what _you_ think."

That's . . . confusing. Regulus is the only one who ever asks Kreacher how he feels, and it's still somewhat surprising and unsettling. Kreacher decides it's best not to answer.

"Muggles have it easy," Regulus says. "They can just listen to rock music and blow shit up when they're angry." He keeps running his hands over the pile of Voldemort-centric newspapers.

Kreacher shakes his head. "Master has changed his mind about the Dark Lord because he wants to blow shit up?"

Regulus laughs, his eyes dark and wild. He looks like Sirius. "Yeah," he says, "I guess so."


End file.
